With a heightened sense of disruption, uncertainty, and change in our world, I think it’s worth considering what leaders can do to support their teams, specifically how leaders should manage meetings and conversations when emotions are high.
I imagine you might struggle with leading your teams to deliver on their commitments while in some way helping them deal with angst, worry, and stress stemming from things we typically shy away from at work, like politics, money, religion, or any topic that takes us outside everyday work discussions.
So, I reflected and searched for insights into how leaders can continue to build trust-based relationships and effectively lead their teams in times of turmoil without exposing themselves to unnecessary stress and strife.
Here’s what I’ve put together for you.
The most crucial competency or leadership trait leaders need to demonstrate right now is emotional intelligence. Practicing strong emotional intelligence means you can recognize and manage your emotional reactions while understanding and responding appropriately to the emotions of others.
The phrase I want you to remember and apply when things start to heat up is: Sip your tea, don’t spill it.
Here’s what I mean:
The phrase “spill the tea” originates from the book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt. One of the characters, a drag queen named Lady Chablis, frequently uses the term when telling others to tell the truth. Essentially, it means sharing information or letting it all out. You might even hear people say, “Spill it”.
When people are excited about a topic, many are inclined to process their feelings by talking it out, often looking for others who feel the same or for lively debate. When the topic is contentious or provocative, the pull to hash it out with others increases either to try to gain control or to find solutions and, in other cases, to convince others to see their point of view.
While spilling tea can be somewhat therapeutic, I argue that leaders who openly participate in this type of dialogue about personal issues (like politics, money, and religion) or allow it to occur in ways that undermine team morale and productivity are not applying tenants of emotional intelligence. In fact, they are risking escalating stress for themselves and their teams.
When tea is served—when emotionally laden topics come up, and they will—sip your tea. Sipping your tea is a deliberate intake activity. A small drink, especially when the contents are hot—helps protect you from getting burned and allows you to savor the experience. Taking a little bit of time will enable you to process information, choose responses, and keep stress levels low.
Here’s How to Sip when others are Spilling
Set team expectations: Consider how much time seems reasonable to support non-work conversations during team meetings or one-on-ones. Is it 5 minutes? Is it 2? Start by saying, “I know we might all be interested in discussing x today. Let’s give it x minutes, then move on to our agenda.” There may be situations where there is no time to spill, and that’s okay, too.
Listen intently: People trust attentive people who listen without judgment. Listen and show that you understand (even if you disagree). You could say things like, “What I hear you saying is…” or “I and see how that might impact you.”
Don’t try to solve the problem: Once vetting time is over, move on. You can say something like, “I appreciated hearing your point of view,” or “Thank you for sharing your thoughts.”
Don’t share your point of view: If it’s not work-related, you don’t need to add to or contribute your thoughts in any way. Your job is to manage the experience, not to spill your tea (do this with family and friends outside of work).
Set personal boundaries: If you are being pushed or compelled to spill and the conversation is totally out of alignment with your beliefs or values, redirect by saying something like, “It’s been my experience and choice to keep personal information personal. I hope you can respect that.”
I hope you find this helpful or thought-provoking.
Finally, here’s a little crumpet to go along with your tea. When times are tough, leading with high emotional intelligence also means being objective and looking beyond any individual’s points of view on non-work issues. Your job is to make decisions that drive results by leveraging your team’s skills, abilities, expertise, and talents and creating an environment where everyone can thrive; that’s all.
